10 Tips for a Healthy Divorce

I would be willing to go out on a limb and say that no marriage entered into with love and good intention every anticipates separating. The decision to divorce or separate is never an easy one. With so many emotions invested in a relationship, all of those emotions can easily bubble over during the process of uncoupling.

After a decade and a half in family law, I have ten top tips for you on how to keep your sanity while going through it.

1. Children first. The biggest priority in a divorce or separation must be the children. Their mental well-being, physical health and emotional security depends on it. Be sure to leave them out of the process as much as possible and encourage your love and the love of their other parent as often as you can.

   
   

2. Full disclosure. The worst enemy in settlement is when one or both parties are not upfront about their financial situation. Hiding assets or debts does not help anyone. In fact, there is a Rule in Colorado that if it is found that an asset has been hidden from the divorce or separation process, the Court can more or less re-open the case to consider that asset as if it had been disclosed during the separation process. There is no "gotcha" financial moment in these cases and it is always beneficial to be upfront during the process.

   
   

3. Do not waste resources. There are many examples of this and the most common one, of course, is depleting the marital estate intentionally to try to diminish what might be split in the end. If you are intentionally depleting assets, you could face sanctions or repercussions. But another less common way of wasting resources is actually through legal counsel. Every time your attorney even thinks about you, you are going to be charged. So really consider before you reach out to any legal counsel whether it is worth the average of, say $35 (hourly rate of $350 at .1 hours of time) to complain to that attorney that dad let the kids eat McDonalds for dinner last night.

   
   

4. Do your research. This being said, no one expects you to know exactly what you are doing when you are going through a divorce or separation. You are not an attorney and likely this is your first one. But even if you are not completely familiar with legal words or the process, you can still do your due diligence to research basic terms or timelines. It is to your benefit to do so. Not only will this allow you a bit more ease and control in the process, but it will be cheaper for you, so you are not asking your legal counsel what to expect next.

   
   

5. Take care of yourself. Going through a divorce or separation is always emotionally taxing, even if you "do it right." It's hard and it's overwhelming. The old adage that you can't pour from an empty cup is absolutely true, especially in these times. It may seem selfish to take the evening to relax with a comfort movie, take yourself out to tea, or decide to go back to school. But if you are replenishing your energy, you are a better parent, employee, co-parent and person in general. Make sure that you are staying hydrated, eating well and getting the rest that you need.

   
   

6. Engage in conflict resolution. The reason I feel so strongly about mediation being a good resource is that it is a time to put the swords down for a moment, listen to each other's sides and perhaps come to agreements that can benefit your family for decades to come. It is not uncommon for a party to have an idea of what the other party wants or needs only to find out that it is something else entirely. For example, maybe one party is pushing hard for 50/50 parenting time, even though logistically it is not plausible. The other party might be under the impression that it is to lower support payments and while this is not ever out of the realm of possibility, the truth might be that the other parent is genuinely afraid of losing time with their children and wants to remain involved. Mediation is a place where we can build from that in creative ways. For example, maybe 50/50 parenting time can't be executed in a traditional way (for example, week on/week off), but maybe parenting time can be structured where one parent has more school-year time and the other has more summer vacation time.

   
   

7. Keep an open mind. As inferred above, communication during a separation is key for a healthy transition. Being honest and empathetic can take you miles in a divorce process because it is natural for guards to come up when change occurs. If you are open to the fact that the other party may also have legitimate fears that need addressed, and they offer you the same respect, resolution can be so much easier to come to.

   
   

8. Build a support group. If you don't readily have family or friends to lean on during this process, be sure to try to grow your community. Take a yoga class, join a community walk group, start volunteering. These things may seem like something you don't have time for, but you will need support during this time. Even someone just willing to lend a shoulder or an ear when you need it can be crucial for your mental health.

   
   

9. Step away. You can't ignore a divorce or separation process, but it is so important for it not to consume your every waking moment. In conjunction with #5 above, you need to have time where you are not thinking about or working on the logistics of a separation. It is essential for your mental health. If you make your life about uncoupling and what that might mean for the future, or lamenting about the past, you will never be able to enjoy the present. And, when the process comes to an end, you will be lost with what to do with yourself.

   
   

10. Don't date. If you can, try to stay out of a new relationship until you are done dealing with your separation. Throwing in another person (and possibly their children and/or former partner) only causes tension to rise. You will need time to grieve your relationship that has ended and be able to focus on getting that completed before you can put the appropriate energy into a whole new relationship. This isn't always possible, but I have seen it be a much more difficult process when you add in the emotional toll on both parties when one or both parties become involved in new relationships before the Decree is issued.